If only I was told that,
When the beast become untameable,
The transition to real being and real-life began.
If only I was told,
When the beast sleeps day time,
And keeps me awake night time,
I would be awakened to social ills, political ills, ill systems, and
Eventually, I will be ill.
If only I was told,
I would lose my friends, gain enemies
I would lose my sleep, gain insomnia
Lose my expression, gain depression
I would lose my sanity, gain lunacy
I would lose my dwelling, gain destitution
I would lose my Rands, gain Cents
I would lose my social standing and gain social security grant.
If only I was told!!!!
If only I was told, that
I will question and begin to doubt
My faith, government, friends, family..........
Somebody tell me!
All this brought me to the real me,
To my beautiful, resilient, courageous, enterprising me,
I would do it again!
Tell me again!
I am a catalyst of change
I am a game changer
I am destructor
I am a pioneer
I am a revolutionist
I am the author and narrator of the new history
I AM AN ENTREPRENEUR!
If only I can tell you!
It is worth it!
It's my life, my being
I find this blog hardest to write; as it cuts to the deepest emotions, pain and reality that we as entrepreneurs usually hide or expected to hide. As an entrepreneur, we are revered, celebrated and almost worshipped. Everything from outside looks rosy and glamorous, yet the inner reminds me, every minute, of a different story.
I remember when I finally succumbed to the untameable beast/entrepreneurial bug. I called my mentor to inform her about my decision to disembark from the professional boat and get into the entrepreneurial roller coaster. She laughed and said: "Welcome aboard, you have just chosen the most difficult journey, but I promise you it is worth it and fulfilling" I call my mentor Prof (X), as to me she seems to know everything. Rightfully so, she earned this title to me. She has been in business for over 40years, running businesses across borders, spent some reasonable time in politics, divorced two times, educated, single mother above all; a praying woman.
It was in July 2007, when I called Prof(X) to inform her that I finally summoned the courage and I was leaving corporate. She did not mince her words, and she said: " Do not bank on the power and the powerful title you had. As soon as you leave, you have effectively rendered yourself redundant to those who were calling every day asking for help or to meet with you. On the other side- your colleagues- it will be as if they never worked with you". I thought to myself she was trying to dissuade me, or checking my commitment levels.
Luckily for me in the first three years, I did not really need ex-colleagues as I was operating in the total different industry. We agreed with my mentor that in the event I wanted to give up, I would abort the ship after 1000 days, as giving up before 1000 days would be a waste of time, money and no lesson would be derived yet. I agreed not realizing 1000 days was actually 3 years. Around 1100 days(4th year) in entrepreneurship journey, I wanted to throw the towel. I secretly contacted my ex-colleague who was heading the institution at the time I made the call. I asked him if he could consider me coming back, as things were tough in the business. Alas! He did not know me. I tried so hard to make me remember me. Telling him about the international trips we took together, the parliament portfolio committee presentations we did together, the flagship project I did for the institution. All he said was: "Sisi (sister) we publish our vacancies in the government gazette if you are looking for a job, please check the government gazette"
With my tail in between my legs, I called Prof(X) to tell her what just happened. She frantically laughed, and asked: How are your friends and family treating you? In a split of a second, I recalled how many times I have not been invited to my friend parties because " they thought I was busy". On the family front, though I have gained a strong contingent of relatives, whom, some were distant before. They never call me to ask how I was doing. They only call when they needed financial favours. Black woman, you are on your own! (stolen from SteveBiko;s quote).
Prof(X) said: I am sure you have realized that you dot have a fallback, you better make this thing work. With the renewed spirit a vigor I vowed to myself that I am in for the long haul. The phone call I made to my ex-colleagues was now a bolster for me. As entrepreneurs, we motivate ourselves 100 times a day, yet we encounter 1000 disappointing things in the same day. How we cover that deficit- only God knows. Late payments, unpaid salaries, screaming suppliers, compliance issues, appearances at CCMA, selling home furnishings and personal items to porn shops were still the order of the day. Yet every morning I wake up and go through the cycle of emotions.
The realization that I am on my own has sunken in. No friend of mine or family member understand the workings of CCMA or can lend me, a young R50 000 just to cover salaries excluding my salary. I began to count sheeps all night long. Insomnia was now my new friend. She(insomnia) soon made the circle bigger by inviting her best friend "depression" Avoiding scheduled medication, or the stigma that comes with depression, unscheduled, over the counter antihistamines a bit of wine and whiskey before bed became the routine.
In the midst of unpaid invoices, screaming suppliers, industrial actions ...... etc. Cars were being repossessed, and the bank giving notice to repossess the house as well. Where will I go? What will become of me? I could ask myself so many questions, the movie was just playing in front of me, and I needed to plan, where will I take my family to? Soweto(my ex-husband's home) or New Crossroads(my home).In no time I have sunken into depression, and no one around me sees that I am fighting for my dear life. The routine is: (wake up, makeup, radio interview or magazine shoot, come back, face screaming clients, suppliers, go get a new contract, deal with staff matters, go home and be sloshed)! Though! Prof(X) is there, but this is the part of the journey that is is a very private and lonely journey.
When you engage with a small enterprises black or white treat us with kindness. These are some of our daily encounters, yet we shall not retreat! If you are still thinking or wishing to be an entrepreneur, just know it is a glamorised concept.
To all entrepreneurs out there, I salute you! I still don't know how we do it. This journey is cold and lonely. Stay on course for the cause. Go and rewrite your story!
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